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Oct. 27th, 2010

(no subject)

I hate being lied to.

And just for the record, not telling someone something isn't lying. Deliberately going out of your way to NOT tell someone something. Is lying.

If you tell the truth, people don't flip a shit. People flip their shit when they find out the hard way.

Simple. Yes?

Apparently Not.

How hard is it?

I need new friends.


I need psychological help.

Oct. 5th, 2010

(no subject)

Definitely one of those days where I just want to listen to sad music and just sulk in my room.

And people blowing up in my face making everyone look like idiots, and other people moping around about school doesn't help at all.

Don't have the will power to deal with this shit.

Jun. 12th, 2010

So it's been a while.

I admit, it's been a while. Since October.

And I don't want to make it look like I only use LJ to wollow, but. . . that's what I'm gonna do. Take it or leave it.

BUT, before I do how bout a recap of sophomore year at BAC.

Fall Semester: Lots of theatre going on. Merry Wives in August (which I still cringe at to this day - bad experience.) and Importance of being Earnest. VERY fun part. Got the best and worst of both worlds (and british accents) as far as theatre went in the fall. Fall Semester was a pretty rough one for me, too. I can remember feeling like everything I was and anything I would do with my life was pointless. Looking back on it, I was obviously suffering from a mild form of depression; the only thing that made it mild was that I was really good at hiding it - and I never really got out of it until January or so. Needless to say, Fall was rough. I was happy to be away from home for a bit, but I was getting sick of the same old thing at the Abbey. I needed to change some things.

And that's exactly what I did spring semester.

In the spring, I decided to focus a little more on my extra-curricular and social lives, while still doing the theatre thing. I was in three shows SPring semester. Betrayal, a Pinter show, which was a BLAST. It was a student directed show, which made it even more fun because the three actors in the show had a lot of input about staging, etc. Of Mice and men was next which was different. A challenge for me, since I had a small part, but a very influential one. The Boss. WTF. So not me, but I took it and ran with it. But whatever. Then I was in my element when the musical Assassins came along. I got to play all the presidents that have been shot. SO much fun to die 5 times on stage. hahaha.

In addition to doing more theatre, I mixed things up by pledging a fraternity on campus. I know, I know... you'd never peg me for the type, but. . . I convinced myself (and I'm pretty sure with some Divine Convincing from the man upstairs) that it was good for me. I kept asking for a change, and something to come in my life and help me. Because that's exactly what I needed - Help. I prayed and prayed for something new and different, and I found it. In the strangest form I could ask for. I was a little out of my element for a bit, but I immediately bonded with the 20 other guys and my pledge brothers. I was a little distracted from classes because of pledging, and my GPA went down a little bit, but I also told myself that I needed this semester to "find myself" in aresa other than academics.

AND I'M SO GLAD THAT I DID. I don't even know who that person was in october, who wrote that sad ass post about my life sucking, because my life has been so changed by the people that I've met and bonded with this past semester.

I just wish I had prayed for it earlier.

And here's where it get's sentimental. . .

So my college career is more than half over with. All the people that I'm really good friends with are either already gone or are on their way out of the Abbey. I miss people. It's not fair that I might not see 80% of these people ever again. They've made me the person that I am, and. . . I never really got a change to thank them for doing that. I guess it's because we never really think to thank someone until it's too late, because we never see the good they're doign while they're doing it.

To make things a little more complicated on my part, I'm staying at the Abbey for summer classes. It . . . kinda blows, but I'm using the classes I'm taking as a GPA booster for the classes I didn't do so well in in the Spring.

There are only about 50 people on campus taking classes and I'm only friends with about 4 of those people. And 2 of them don't really like me that much, so I'm kinda on my own. Which is kinda nice, actually. As I've said before, the one bad thing about the Abbey is that everybody knows everybody and everybody's business - Just like Savannah, only worse. And I'm kinda using the summer semi-on my own to take advantage of the "me time" and do some soul searching. What do I want to DO with a BA in English? DO I even WANT to be an English Major anymore? I need to make these decisions soon! I'm scheduled to take 3 or 4 upper level english classes every semester now until I graduate! And if this isn't what I want to do . . .I need to change things. NOW!

But the things that's hitting me the hardest over the summer so far is not having people around. I try to continually remind myself that I'm going to WANT this aloen time during the Fall when people come back for classes, but it's still hard to get through. I miss everyone so much. I miss my firends, and even moreso.... it sounds weird. . .but I miss my fraternity brothers. Being able to just sit back and have fun with them and relax is something that really helped my mental health this past semester haha. And now there's really no one here. My big brother, lou, stops by the campus every few weeks to visit his girlfriend who's also taking classes, but it's only for a few days at a time and it's not the same.

BUT. . . whatever. I can only try to look on the bright side and try to keep reminding myself that I'm using summer classes for two things: GPA Boosting, and Soul Searching. . . . And making money by working in the admissions office which TOTALLY sucks, but that's a story in and of itself. . . for another post, when I feel like explaining that mess. haha

Oct. 29th, 2009

And here it comes again, folks...

Oh boy. What can I say about the first three months of school?

"It's sucked".... but that would be an insult to all things that suck.

I've never felt so alone and unhappy before. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been FINE up untill this point. Up until like three days ago, I was chipper, happier than ever and enjoying every moment of every day. But then it just hit me. My life right now just sucks. I've surrounded myself with all these opportunities and I have yet to reach out to attain many of them, and the ones I ahve reached out to grab I am not particularly good at.

Rehearsals for Merry Wives are definately a punch in the face. I absolutely love being abel to go into the theatre, forget about life for hours and be someone else and forget about me and my problems. But now the different aspects of my life are starting to blend together and there aren't much of any barriers between my "lives"

I've gotten to the point where I just go to my room and sleep whenever I can. Not to say I don't socialize, but I'm starting to be really irritable... really REALLY irritable. Somebody will say something to me that rubs me the wrong way and I just have this urge to punch somebody.

Classes are going fairly well though. I guess thats some good news. All of my midterm grades were B's and A's.. except for one C. But I feel that I'm getting complacent with these grades. The past week or so I can't really think of a time when I went back to my room and did work, besides studying. I just don't really have the energy or the drive to do anything anymore. I know I said during the summer that I needed a schedule to run my day but now I feel that I'm just repeating the same thing every day, every week. I wake up, I go to class, bull shit, sleep, go to rehearsal, sleep and do it all over.

I just need something to make my day worth changing because as of right now, I have no drive to do anything but just exist. And it's killing me. Existing is. KILLING. ME. I hate this. I feel so incomplete. Like I'm missing something. I just want to go home, lie in my own room and just SAY that I'm home. I think just ditching savannah cold turkey like this hasn't been good for me - I haven't been home once this semester.

It just scares the shit otu of me to think "If I'm this unhappy when things are laid out in FRONT OF ME? How bad will it be when I'm on my own in the REAL WORLD."

I need help. Divine Help. And I'm even ahving trouble in THAT department.
I can only hope that it gets better - and it will, because I feel like i'm pretty near to the shitter, so... yeah.

Aug. 9th, 2009

(no subject)

SO ready to get back to the Abbey. I've missed the people and the atmosphere so much.

And it'll be nice to have a schedule for my day.

I am gonna miss the people I'm leaving behind in Savannah, though. :(

Jul. 23rd, 2009

(no subject)

im never leaving the house again. I'll just saty here until I go back to school.

Jul. 9th, 2009

July 9th, 2009

Working sucks. I like having money, and once I GET to work I love being with the people I'm working with, but before I leave/get ready, I dread it. It's just because I'm lazy and don't feel like overcoming the American social norm of "work sucks, play rocks".

Here is my klutz-log for this past week.

Sunday - Went to go make fresh tea. put the tea urn in the tea maker, put the tea bag in, flipped the switch, pressed start. Didn't notice the nozzle was set to "pour." Return 5 minutes later to find tea all over the floor of the server's station. Awesome.

Monday- Forgot to put in a table of 6's appetizer sampler. GO to bring them their food, and they say "where is our appetizer?" My response; "DOH!" Tuesday evening was also the night where I didn't know the printer int eh kitchen was out of paper, so every order that I put in for 3 tables didn't go through. 30 minutes later, I walk into the ktichen to find no food in the ready-window. Me: "ummm.. food?" Cook person: "nnnnnnope... ?" Me: (looks down to expo printer to find red "NO PAPER" Light on): "shit."

I was off tuesday. Oh yeah, Remus likes Petsmart.

Wednesday - surprisingly nothing stupid happened... that I recall.

Today - I somehow was under the impression that I lost 10 dollars of my cash that was due, so I took 10 dollars out of my cash tips to cover it. For nearly 3 hours i was so pissed at myself for "losing money" I could have kicked myself in the ass. Come to find out, they were counting the drawer in the bar and found that it was 10 dollars over. Apparently when I went to get change for a 20 dollar bill, I only grabbed 10 dollars... wtf?

Tomorrow I go in at 10:30 AM, which I won't feel like doing until 10:29AM.

God help me.

Jul. 4th, 2009

Not a good day.

I felt extremely self-conscious and ugly today. Hope tomorrow's better.

Jun. 29th, 2009

(no subject)

48 long days until I go back to the Abbey. I can honestly say I've NEVER wanted to go back to school this much in my entire life

12 Days til my birthday!


May. 29th, 2009

(no subject)

I don't have any money, and I don't have a job. I've applied to a thousand places and haven't heard back from any of them all week... I don't want to resort to calling them all and checking up on my application... but I really feel the need to.

Unemployment sucks. I just miss last summer when I had a steady amount of money going into my bank account, as little as it was.


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